This is miscarriage.

This was not the launch I had planned and isn’t how I wanted to introduce myself but it seems fitting as its National Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. The picture below was taken the night I celebrated my 34th birthday with my husband and my closest California friends. On the outside it looks like everything is Hunky Dory (thanks Kathy Hilton) but it’s not. I am actually in the beginning stages of my third miscarriage in nine months. I decided to pull myself together and celebrate that night in spite of it because it was better than being home and alone with my thoughts. It was around then I decided I wanted this blog to a be a place that represents the good the bad and the ugly, aka real life. What you see on social media is not always what it seems and I hope to keep it as real as I can while still having fun on here.

With that said, this is my miscarriage story but I want to preface it by saying I am in no way shape or form seeking sympathy. Instead, I am hoping my story can help even just one person who may be struggling. The fact is more people struggle with miscarriage than you’d ever realize and I am one of them. I am one in four. Miscarriage strikes in roughly 1 in 4 women and I am hoping to break the stigma around taking about it. There shouldn’t be any shame or guilt surrounding pregnancy loss and the more support you have, the “easier” it is to get through …at least in my opinion.

So here goes…

Amidst the pandemic my husband Jake and I decided we wanted another baby.  We tried and got pregnant quickly.  My anxiety was at its peak because of the pandemic and being away from family for the holidays but once the dust settled, the excitement set in.  I went to my first ultrasound appointment around 6 weeks and there wasn’t anything in the gestational sac nor was there a little flickering heartbeat.  BUT everything else looked “beautiful” and it was still early so “let’s take another look in 10 days” they said.  Before those 10 days were up I started bleeding and I knew it was over.  Two days later I went for an ultrasound and it was confirmed, I was losing the pregnancy.  Mind you I was alone in a room with the technician.  I held my phone up so my husband could see the empty screen via FaceTime while he waited in the car.  I never thought this would happen to me let alone hearing the words without holding Jake’s hand because of a pandemic.  It was heartbreaking.  Once I got into the car we both cried and went home to our beautiful little boy and explained to him gently but honestly what was happening. For the next eight days I miscarried at home, it was awful but we got through it.

Fast forward three months.  I had a funny feeling so I took a pregnancy test.  I was pregnant!  I cried happy tears, hugged Jake and was so grateful and excited.  To top it off my parents were arriving that day for a visit for the first time in over a year! I tried to keep it a secret but couldn’t and we told them the good news.  We enjoyed the rest of their visit and then I went to my first doctors appointment.  I got my first round of blood work that day so we could monitor this pregnancy closely.  I got home and went to pee.  I wiped and saw what I was terrified of.  I was bleeding again.  I knew it was over AGAIN.  How could this be happening?  How?  The “good” news was it was earlier this time so the miscarriage process was shorter and less intense.  But the damage was done, I felt defeated.  How did I lose two pregnancies back to back when I have a perfectly healthy beautiful 3.5 year old?  Why?  What did I do wrong?  Is he our miracle baby?

Jake and I went for tons of genetic testing, 9-10 blood vials each and all came back normal.  Then I went for an HSG – a very invasive procedure that lasts only a minute or two but hurts like hell.  Again, alone in a room with doctors and machines because Jake wasn’t allowed to be with me.  When it was over I found out I have a “textbook” uterus and tubes and everything is normal.  The doctors left the room for me to get dressed and I just cried. I cried because I was alone, I cried because that procedure f*cking hurt and I cried because I had no answers, nothing was “wrong”.  Getting news that everything normal is a double edged sword – you’re so grateful to be healthy and have nothing wrong but angry you have no answers.  It’s so incredibly frustrating.

Jake and I decided to give my body a few months to rest and regulate before trying again. When I was ready, the ovulation test strips were whipped out and we started trying.  I was hoping it would happen quickly again so when it was time to take a pregnancy test and I got a negative, I kept testing until I got multiple negatives.  I finally accepted that I wasn’t pregnant this time.  That familiar feeling of defeat crept in but I decided to power through it.  Try again we shall I said, and we did just that. 

Four weeks later I started taking the cheap pregnancy tests. Across several days I kept getting faint positives and then took a clear blue early detection test and poof, I was actually pregnant! I cried happy/scared tears and immediately called my OBs office.  The nurse calls back extremely excited for me and orders blood work.  I go in for my first of many draws.  Pam (the nurse at my OB and my new BFF) calls the next day.  My HCG is showing I am pregnant but very low at 15 – I am to test again in a week.  The next week it is over 200 so we are all feeling encouraged. The following week it’s over 2600 – this is amazing news and Pam calls me as soon as she’s in the office to tell me how excited she is for me.  We schedule my confirmation of pregnancy appointment with my doctor.  This time Jake is allowed to join me (yay for not having to do this alone anymore!) and my doctor says the whole office is rooting for me.  We discuss the usual things and I get all my lab orders including that of the dating ultrasound which is scheduled for a week later. Oddly enough, Jakes parents are arriving that day for their first visit ever. We keep the secret for a night (although they were on to me when I didn’t have any wine with dinner) and told them the good news the next day. They were thrilled for us and made the rest of their visit that much sweeter.

Ultrasound day rolls around and I go in thinking I’m 7 weeks 2 days but the ultrasound dates me at 6 weeks 1 day; however, this time there is a yolk sac and a fetus in the gestational sac!  There’s even a flicker on the screen!  The happy tears stop when the tech tells me the heartbeat is very slow at 48bpm.  The joy is gone and I immediately detach myself – I know that at this point the heart rate should be between 100-150bpm.  I am defeated again and hope is gone.  I am just waiting to lose this one too. I am told to stay positive because its not over til its over and we can check baby’s heartbeat again in a week.

A few days later I start spotting and after speaking with my doctor we are pretty confident I am going to miscarry again given all the facts. I have already decided that I will not miscarry at home again and I want a D&C (a surgical procedure in which everything is removed) and my doctor swiftly agreed to that. That day I cried harder than I think I ever have to Jake and my best friend, so much so that I haven’t cried since, almost as if there is nothing left. I had an ultrasound the following week to confirm the miscarriage and to no ones surprise there was no longer a heartbeat and baby had passed. My D&C was scheduled for the following week and thankfully my body threw me a bone and the spotting stopped so I didn’t have to manage anything at home. I wont go into details about surgery but in pre op I had a moment alone and said my goodbyes to another angel baby. Everything went well and I recovered quickly.

This is just the beginning and our journey is no where near over. Since having the D&C and getting results back, we learned that baby had a chromosomal abnormality. The pregnancy would have never made it to term. I now know I didn’t cause this and it wasn’t my fault, none of them were. I have closure and with that we have made the decision to move onto IVF. We are very excited and hopeful to meet with an excellent fertility specialist in less than two weeks, hoping to start the process before the end of the year. I am crossing my fingers and toes that I will carry a pregnancy to term in 2022. Please know it is not lost on me how fortunate we are to be able to pursue IVF treatments and that we have access to incredible doctors in Southern California. Trust me, I have been counting my blessings everyday.

Please stay tuned for fertility updates, but in the interim I will be at home, smothering my little boy with all the love and kisses as I have never been more grateful for him. To anyone reading this that is struggling with getting pregnant, staying pregnant, grieving the loss of child, adopting, surrogacy, choosing not to start a family or anything in between, know you are not alone. I see you and am thinking of you. If you have suffered loss, know you did absolutely nothing wrong and it’s not your fault, it took me a while to accept that, but it’s the truth.

XO

Christine