To The Women Before Me

I am sorry. I am sorry I didn’t understand the pain of your loss, I am sorry I didn’t know what to say or if I said the wrong things, I am sorry if I wasn’t there for you in the capacity that you needed, I am sorry if I didn’t check in enough, but most of all I am sorry that you ever struggled with pregnancy loss or infertility.

When you’ve never experienced these things or haven’t tried to start a family yet, admittedly it can be very hard to understand and relate to, but being on the other side now, I know how hard it can be. It’s a complete and utter mind fuck and an emotional rollercoaster. You don’t know what to think or how to feel, and when you are deep in an emotion you question if you’re being too dramatic or not feeling enough.

Speaking for myself, after my first two losses I was a complete mess but had moments where I would think to myself “why are you being so dramatic, you never saw the baby on the screen, the fetus never developed and you never heard a heart beat.” With my third loss on one hand I was crushed because there was a baby and there was a heartbeat, but on the other hand I expected this to happen and was numb. I had nothing left at that point, but don’t worry, I beat myself up for that too.

Now that we’re going through IVF (and have a ton of time to think while we wait in limbo for next steps), I’ve realized all my feelings are and were valid. Whatever I felt in those moments were valid. However anyone processes their grief is valid and it should never be questioned. A loss is a loss is a loss.

For some women, myself included, the connection to that “baby” can begin at the sight of those two lines. Pregnancy loss and infertility can be torture, and it can break you, it almost broke me but it didn’t. I know I owe that in large part to my own strength, but the other part is owed to the support I received. I am beyond lucky that I have women in my life that lifted me up and got me through it. I hate that I know so many women who have struggled, but I love the strength they’ve given me whether they know it or not. Since sharing my story here, there have been a few others that have reached out and were kind enough to share their own struggles with me. Their stories are invaluable to me and I am so grateful for their vulnerability. I only hope I have helped them in some small way by being so open, after all that was my hope for somethingsmallsocal.

To the women before me, even though I may or may not have been the best support in your time of need (and for that I am truly sorry), know that by picking yourselves up and fighting for your rainbow and miracles babies, you have given me and likely so many other women the courage and strength to do the same. This is my love letter to you – you badass, incredible women.

XO

Christine