SomethingSmallSocal

My last fertility post was in January and unfortunately, I think my absence says a lot about our progress. I left off with the details of our very successful egg retrieval and hoped to come back with positive news of a successful transfer and pregnancy announcement, unfortunately that is not the case. My FET (frozen embryo transfer) was on March 1, 2022. The transfer itself is the easiest part of IVF (IMO), it takes minutes and is almost anticlimactic considering all that you do to get to there. The estrogen pills and patches, hours long infusions, progesterone shots and blood thinner shots were by far the worst of it all. So when it came time for the actual transfer, I was left thinking, all that invasive prep and thats it!? BUT we were finally at the finish line, all that stressful and painful preparation led me to this point and here was our happy ending, or so we thought.

With my clinic you are on bedrest for 3 days post transfer (not including day of transfer) then house arrest for two days. This is controversial in IVF and different doctors share different opinions on bed rest, but for me I chose to trust my doctor and follow the rules. Everything went smoothly and I survived – by the skin of my teeth, my first shower never felt so good!

On day 10 post transfer I was to go in for my beta blood test (pregnancy test). Most clinics advise you not to do an at home pregnancy test prior to that because the blood test is done at the earliest possible time; however, I would venture to say 99% of women (myself included) cannot wait the full 10 days. It is torture and you start analyzing everything you feel or don’t feel and consider anything a possible symptom of pregnancy. I lasted until day 5 or 6 before I started testing. Unbeknownst to me, blue dye tests (clear blue) and digital tests are the worst for early detection but having no knowledge of that, that was the first test I used. The three minutes passed and I saw the faintest of faint two lines. I texted them out to my friends near and far in the IVF community asking for opinions – got the same answer, no matter how faint, it was a positive test. I was cautiously optimistic and at the direction of an IVF pro, took a first response early detection pink dye test and there was another extremely faint second line.

I stopped testing because the stress of it was starting to really get to me. I made it to day 10 and went in for my blood test. Typically, you go in the morning (which I did) but then you have to wait the entire day for the doctor to call you with results. After the longest eight hours of my life, the phone rings. “Dr. ____ Cell”. I answer with clammy hands. “your HCG is showing you are pregnant, BUT it’s not as high as I would like, you’re only at 25 and I would like to see closer to 50. At this point I need you to come in two days to see if your HCG goes up/doubles. I need to be honest, this could be a chemical pregnancy but I’ve seen success with initial numbers this low, its a 50/50 chance.”

For the next 10 days I went back and forth to the clinic for blood draws because my numbers kept rising, a good sign, but not exactly doubling every 24-72 hours as they should. All the while I am continuing the awful progesterone shots and pills and patches, it was torture, a rollercoaster from hell. After my second to last blood draw, I had a scan. There looked to be a small, small sac – there was hope. That day my numbers stalled. Went in the next day for a scan and there was no more sac and my numbers started to go down. It was a failed cycle, a chemical pregnancy. Another loss, another heartbreak.

To add insult to injury, my grandfather passed away the day after my transfer. I was across the country and was on bed rest. By the time his services were scheduled, I was off bedrest; however, it’s strongly advised not to fly in the first six weeks post transfer. I was bedside myself, I couldn’t be there for my mother, grandmother and properly mourn the loss of my grandfather. My husband called the clinic without me knowing, and asked what my options were. They said although its not advised, I could go but I’d have to take a red eye (something to do with sun exposure) both ways along with a few other stipulations. I was at a crossroads. I knew they didn’t particularly want me to fly across the country and I knew that if something happened, I would have blamed myself. After a lot a tears, phone calls and discussions, we ultimately decided it was best that I stay put. A few days after my grandfather was laid to rest, I found out my transfer failed. It was a really rough couple weeks after that. I was devastated over another failed pregnancy and devastated that I wasn’t there to say goodbye to my grandfather. To say I felt guilty was an understatement, the transfer failed anyway, I could have gone, I should have gone.

Despite it all, I was back to business shortly there after. My first visit post confirmation of the failed transfer, I asked how soon we could try again. Sympathetically my doctor looked at me and said, I understand you want to try again as soon as possible but its going to have to be at least two more menstrual cycles before we can effectively start another protocol. Ok I thought, we have a plan and will try again in a few months time and this time it will work…

In Loving Memory of Ralph A. Tarantino (1927-2022)

I am sorry. I am sorry I didn’t understand the pain of your loss, I am sorry I didn’t know what to say or if I said the wrong things, I am sorry if I wasn’t there for you in the capacity that you needed, I am sorry if I didn’t check in enough, but most of all I am sorry that you ever struggled with pregnancy loss or infertility.

When you’ve never experienced these things or haven’t tried to start a family yet, admittedly it can be very hard to understand and relate to, but being on the other side now, I know how hard it can be. It’s a complete and utter mind fuck and an emotional rollercoaster. You don’t know what to think or how to feel, and when you are deep in an emotion you question if you’re being too dramatic or not feeling enough.

Speaking for myself, after my first two losses I was a complete mess but had moments where I would think to myself “why are you being so dramatic, you never saw the baby on the screen, the fetus never developed and you never heard a heart beat.” With my third loss on one hand I was crushed because there was a baby and there was a heartbeat, but on the other hand I expected this to happen and was numb. I had nothing left at that point, but don’t worry, I beat myself up for that too.

Now that we’re going through IVF (and have a ton of time to think while we wait in limbo for next steps), I’ve realized all my feelings are and were valid. Whatever I felt in those moments were valid. However anyone processes their grief is valid and it should never be questioned. A loss is a loss is a loss.

For some women, myself included, the connection to that “baby” can begin at the sight of those two lines. Pregnancy loss and infertility can be torture, and it can break you, it almost broke me but it didn’t. I know I owe that in large part to my own strength, but the other part is owed to the support I received. I am beyond lucky that I have women in my life that lifted me up and got me through it. I hate that I know so many women who have struggled, but I love the strength they’ve given me whether they know it or not. Since sharing my story here, there have been a few others that have reached out and were kind enough to share their own struggles with me. Their stories are invaluable to me and I am so grateful for their vulnerability. I only hope I have helped them in some small way by being so open, after all that was my hope for somethingsmallsocal.

To the women before me, even though I may or may not have been the best support in your time of need (and for that I am truly sorry), know that by picking yourselves up and fighting for your rainbow and miracles babies, you have given me and likely so many other women the courage and strength to do the same. This is my love letter to you – you badass, incredible women.

XO

Christine

As promised (and very delayed, thanks Covid) I am writing to give you my egg retrieval update! First and foremost, surgery went really well with no complications. My doctor retrieved 28 eggs (28!!!) and she thought 22 of them were mature. Day one post retrieval 24 were mature and fertilized normally and another made it to day three for a total of 25 which was way more than we expected. My doctor uses a process called ICSI (Intracytoplasmic sperm injection) which means instead of letting the egg and sperm fertilize naturally in the petri dish, ICSI injects a single live sperm directly into the center of the egg. Once again we were humbled by the science of all this, when you think about how intricate that process is, it’s truly incredible.

For those of you that don’t know, IVF entails a LOT of waiting – you wait for updates every other day and like clockwork my doctor would call every other day around dinner time. Since we knew we had 24 fertilized eggs on day one, I knew on day three she would call with final number of mature/fertilized eggs, which ended up being 25. The last update comes on day five post retrieval which is the big one, on this day you find out how many of the fertilized eggs made it to “blast” (blastocysts). A blastocyst is made up of an inner group of cells with an outer shell, that inner group of cells will become the embryo which then becomes the baby.

Backing up a bit, before retrieval most women are cautioned to understand that likely half of eggs retrieved will not make it to blast. Knowing this, we were so excited to find out that 11 of our eggs made it to blast on day five. It was a great number to send off to genetic testing, better known as PGT (preimplantation genetic testing) in the IVF world. This type of testing is not covered in our IVF insurance (which is extremely frustrating) but it was a necessity for us because of our three prior losses and a confirmed abnormality on the last one. We want to make sure we are going into pregnancy with the best chances because my heart can’t take another loss. This process is by no means foolproof and there (like with any pregnancy) is always a chance of failure or miscarriage.

Now the hardest part (MORE waiting) the PGT results can take up to two weeks. It took 12 days for us and it was torture. BUT that day was a great day. Out of our 11, we had six normal embryos, six! The doctor was thrilled for us, this was a great number and we were over the moon. Considering I was hoping for 2-3 normal ones, this news couldn’t have been better. We still had to wait for the grading but I was ok with it. Grading helps your doctor determine the “best” embryo to transfer. Each embryo is given a number and two letters (something like 5AB). The number represents the expansion of the embryo cavity (basically if its hatching or hatched, weird I know) and the letters, just like in school, are grading the embryo and the placenta respectively. From what I understand a day 5 embryo with a 5AA grade is a ideal for transfer, but you can still have a successful pregnancy with a lower grade embryo. I won’t be sharing grades; however, we have a few great embryos and are confident in which one the doctor will want to transfer.

Jake and I are so happy to have had such a successful egg retrieval and we know it doesn’t go that way for all women, we know how incredibly fortunate we are. With that being said, since I did have so many eggs (remember 28 were retrieved) I had a pretty tough recovery. I went into something call OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome). Basically it was my body’s exaggerated response to all the hormones from the injectables. The way it was explained to me was that your body realizes you just produced a ton of eggs and recognizes that as abnormal (which it is, you only produce one in a normal cycle) so the body sees it as a problem. To fix this problem, lots of helper cells are sent to your inner lady parts and stuff happens, this is where I was lost. All I know is I had a ton of free floating fluid and bloating like I’ve never had before. It was the most uncomfortable I had been since giving birth, and TMI but the constipation was REAL, for me worse than postpartum. I was like this for probably a week before I started to feel normal. I couldn’t drink anything but electrolyte beverages as to not add any unwanted fluid into my body, was on a medication to try and offset the OHSS and I just had to rest. It was brutal but lots of women go through this, seems to be par for the course and you just gotta take it in stride. I recovered but I am VERY grateful I won’t have to do go through that again (hopefully) seeing as we have healthy embryos to work with.

I have one more test I need to have done before we can move forward with transfer BUT I also need to recover from covid before that test can happen. This means everything is delayed but your girl is keeping her eye on the prize.

And just like that this will be my last update until (crossing fingers, toes and everything else) we hopefully announce a healthy pregnancy some point this year.

Wish us luck and sprinkle all the baby dust!

XO
Christine

We’ve hit the ground running so fast that I’ve been too busy to update you guys! But here I am to share the good news that we met with the fertility specialist I mentioned about six weeks ago and fell in love with her. She took so much time to speak with us, get to know us, our story and my medical history that it was a no brainer, especially considering her success rates. Jake and I decided immediately after our consultation with her that she was our doctor.

A few days later we began my natural cycle monitoring. Basically that means I had to go in every two days for blood work and ultrasounds so the doctor could understand my cycle timing and my hormone levels. I was monitored through ovulation. Once I ovulated and the doctor reviewed my hormone levels and ultrasounds, she told me my follicles were a bit asymmetric (meaning they varied in size a little more than she would like) and I was put on estrogen patches to try and even things out. I was instructed to switch out the patches every two days and once I got my period to remove them and I did just that. I went back to the office on day two of my period as I was instructed for more blood work and another ultrasound. You learn very quickly with fertility treatments thats timing is EVERYTHING and apparently period day two is the best day to get a good understanding of follicle quantity/quality.

I had roughly 27 follicles which is a great number and I found out that night I was to start my IVF shots. The reality of the situation set in when I was given my demonstrations of the two shots I was going to need to inject myself with every night. One was a pen that was pretty straight forward (Follistim) and the other was a bit more complicated because it involved mixing powdered medication with saline via a syringe (Menopur). Ask anyone who has been through fertility treatment – they all know the names of these meds by heart and soon enough they ask how much Follistim and how many Menopur, its crazy! These meds are all just hormones your body produces naturally but they essentially hyper stimulate your follicles so you produce a bunch of eggs in one cycle instead of the usual one that is released in a natural cycle. The science in all of the this in absolutely incredible and Jake and I barely scratched the surface in our understanding of it all but we are certainly humbled and grateful for it all.

That night was a little overwhelming to say the least. I usually have no issue with needles, but having to do them yourself without the assistance of a medical professional was a little daunting. I decided I wanted to inject myself (a wise friend who’s been through it said to try to do it myself because its empowering and it was!) seeing as all shots were in my lower abdomen and easy to reach myself. Jake was with me in our bathroom, we watched several youtube instructional videos to be extra careful we were doing everything correctly. I then loaded the pen with my first shot. I was about to do it and it hit me, I felt a little wheezy and overwhelmed but I took a deep breath and did it. Next up was the mixed meds which proved to be a little more complicated for me (I think it was because I was nervous) and I had trouble getting it mixed properly but eventually I did and injected myself again. We decided going forward Jake would mix the Menopur for me to make it a bit less stressful but man that one BURNED. Thank god they told me that in the office otherwise I would have panicked I did something wrong. The injection sites hurt for a few minutes, then completely subsided. I did it!!

From that night on I took two shots to the lower abs like clockwork. My doctor texted me every night letting me know if the dosage was staying the same or if they needed to be tweaked a bit. She decided all this based on the blood work and ultrasound results I was having every other day (better know as “Morning Monitoring”). The fertility center quickly became my second home that week and on day six of shots we added a third, Ganirelix. This is the drug that stops me from ovulating naturally so we can keep growing my follicles. That needle was a little bit bigger than the other two so naturally it hurt more but it was quick – the only caveat to this one was it needed to be done at the EXACT SAME TIME every night, no pressure, right? I continued with the three shots for four more nights and office visits every other day. On day 10 I was told no more Follistim, just the Menopur and Ganirelix and that my trigger shot (I’ll explain this in a second) was going to be on day eleven (today). I went in this morning for my monitoring and I “look fabulous and I am ready”! This means tonight is the night I trigger. The trigger shot makes me ovulate so my follicles that we’ve been growing are ready to release eggs. This means I will need to have my egg retrieval surgery within 35-36 hours of the shot which brings us to this Thursday! Now here’s where timing is everything comes in to play again. My doctor is going to be calling me tonight to tell me the exact time I need to take the shot as it will be timed perfectly with my surgery, it could be 10pm or it could be 1am we have to wait and see! I currently have two large “targets” drawn on my lower back (near my love handles to be exact) which is where Jake gets to inject me this time. The difference with this shot is it need to be injected into muscle (because, science) so the needle is longer. Damn near passed out when I saw it during my demo but I will get through it.

Over the past 11 days there have been some tears from the anxiety and stress of it all, some tears from the shots because they freaking hurt and now mostly because I am super bloated and feel like I am walking around with grapefruits for ovaries. Because I have so many follicles ranging from 14mm to 24mm, I am very uncomfortable and it is only going to get worse after egg retrieval for reasons that are above my pay grade. I will be put out for surgery (which is outpatient) and it is a relatively quick procedure but it is still scary none the less. Despite my anxiety, I am just trying to keep my eye on the prize for now. I’ve been through a lot already and I know I can get through this. We are hopeful I will get a nice amount of embryos that fertilize from this retrieval. Once we know how many fertilized successfully we will have them genetically tested to avoid a situation like my most recent miscarriage. Our hope is to have my transfer in the new year.

I will keep you updated post egg retrieval and let you know the results but after that I will be going dark and playing transfer and its timing close to the chest. I would like to maintain some ounce of normalcy and an element of surprise before we (hopefully) announce a healthy pregnancy sometime in 2022. Until then…

XO

Christine

This was not the launch I had planned and isn’t how I wanted to introduce myself but it seems fitting as its National Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. The picture below was taken the night I celebrated my 34th birthday with my husband and my closest California friends. On the outside it looks like everything is Hunky Dory (thanks Kathy Hilton) but it’s not. I am actually in the beginning stages of my third miscarriage in nine months. I decided to pull myself together and celebrate that night in spite of it because it was better than being home and alone with my thoughts. It was around then I decided I wanted this blog to a be a place that represents the good the bad and the ugly, aka real life. What you see on social media is not always what it seems and I hope to keep it as real as I can while still having fun on here.

With that said, this is my miscarriage story but I want to preface it by saying I am in no way shape or form seeking sympathy. Instead, I am hoping my story can help even just one person who may be struggling. The fact is more people struggle with miscarriage than you’d ever realize and I am one of them. I am one in four. Miscarriage strikes in roughly 1 in 4 women and I am hoping to break the stigma around taking about it. There shouldn’t be any shame or guilt surrounding pregnancy loss and the more support you have, the “easier” it is to get through …at least in my opinion.

So here goes…

Amidst the pandemic my husband Jake and I decided we wanted another baby.  We tried and got pregnant quickly.  My anxiety was at its peak because of the pandemic and being away from family for the holidays but once the dust settled, the excitement set in.  I went to my first ultrasound appointment around 6 weeks and there wasn’t anything in the gestational sac nor was there a little flickering heartbeat.  BUT everything else looked “beautiful” and it was still early so “let’s take another look in 10 days” they said.  Before those 10 days were up I started bleeding and I knew it was over.  Two days later I went for an ultrasound and it was confirmed, I was losing the pregnancy.  Mind you I was alone in a room with the technician.  I held my phone up so my husband could see the empty screen via FaceTime while he waited in the car.  I never thought this would happen to me let alone hearing the words without holding Jake’s hand because of a pandemic.  It was heartbreaking.  Once I got into the car we both cried and went home to our beautiful little boy and explained to him gently but honestly what was happening. For the next eight days I miscarried at home, it was awful but we got through it.

Fast forward three months.  I had a funny feeling so I took a pregnancy test.  I was pregnant!  I cried happy tears, hugged Jake and was so grateful and excited.  To top it off my parents were arriving that day for a visit for the first time in over a year! I tried to keep it a secret but couldn’t and we told them the good news.  We enjoyed the rest of their visit and then I went to my first doctors appointment.  I got my first round of blood work that day so we could monitor this pregnancy closely.  I got home and went to pee.  I wiped and saw what I was terrified of.  I was bleeding again.  I knew it was over AGAIN.  How could this be happening?  How?  The “good” news was it was earlier this time so the miscarriage process was shorter and less intense.  But the damage was done, I felt defeated.  How did I lose two pregnancies back to back when I have a perfectly healthy beautiful 3.5 year old?  Why?  What did I do wrong?  Is he our miracle baby?

Jake and I went for tons of genetic testing, 9-10 blood vials each and all came back normal.  Then I went for an HSG – a very invasive procedure that lasts only a minute or two but hurts like hell.  Again, alone in a room with doctors and machines because Jake wasn’t allowed to be with me.  When it was over I found out I have a “textbook” uterus and tubes and everything is normal.  The doctors left the room for me to get dressed and I just cried. I cried because I was alone, I cried because that procedure f*cking hurt and I cried because I had no answers, nothing was “wrong”.  Getting news that everything normal is a double edged sword – you’re so grateful to be healthy and have nothing wrong but angry you have no answers.  It’s so incredibly frustrating.

Jake and I decided to give my body a few months to rest and regulate before trying again. When I was ready, the ovulation test strips were whipped out and we started trying.  I was hoping it would happen quickly again so when it was time to take a pregnancy test and I got a negative, I kept testing until I got multiple negatives.  I finally accepted that I wasn’t pregnant this time.  That familiar feeling of defeat crept in but I decided to power through it.  Try again we shall I said, and we did just that. 

Four weeks later I started taking the cheap pregnancy tests. Across several days I kept getting faint positives and then took a clear blue early detection test and poof, I was actually pregnant! I cried happy/scared tears and immediately called my OBs office.  The nurse calls back extremely excited for me and orders blood work.  I go in for my first of many draws.  Pam (the nurse at my OB and my new BFF) calls the next day.  My HCG is showing I am pregnant but very low at 15 – I am to test again in a week.  The next week it is over 200 so we are all feeling encouraged. The following week it’s over 2600 – this is amazing news and Pam calls me as soon as she’s in the office to tell me how excited she is for me.  We schedule my confirmation of pregnancy appointment with my doctor.  This time Jake is allowed to join me (yay for not having to do this alone anymore!) and my doctor says the whole office is rooting for me.  We discuss the usual things and I get all my lab orders including that of the dating ultrasound which is scheduled for a week later. Oddly enough, Jakes parents are arriving that day for their first visit ever. We keep the secret for a night (although they were on to me when I didn’t have any wine with dinner) and told them the good news the next day. They were thrilled for us and made the rest of their visit that much sweeter.

Ultrasound day rolls around and I go in thinking I’m 7 weeks 2 days but the ultrasound dates me at 6 weeks 1 day; however, this time there is a yolk sac and a fetus in the gestational sac!  There’s even a flicker on the screen!  The happy tears stop when the tech tells me the heartbeat is very slow at 48bpm.  The joy is gone and I immediately detach myself – I know that at this point the heart rate should be between 100-150bpm.  I am defeated again and hope is gone.  I am just waiting to lose this one too. I am told to stay positive because its not over til its over and we can check baby’s heartbeat again in a week.

A few days later I start spotting and after speaking with my doctor we are pretty confident I am going to miscarry again given all the facts. I have already decided that I will not miscarry at home again and I want a D&C (a surgical procedure in which everything is removed) and my doctor swiftly agreed to that. That day I cried harder than I think I ever have to Jake and my best friend, so much so that I haven’t cried since, almost as if there is nothing left. I had an ultrasound the following week to confirm the miscarriage and to no ones surprise there was no longer a heartbeat and baby had passed. My D&C was scheduled for the following week and thankfully my body threw me a bone and the spotting stopped so I didn’t have to manage anything at home. I wont go into details about surgery but in pre op I had a moment alone and said my goodbyes to another angel baby. Everything went well and I recovered quickly.

This is just the beginning and our journey is no where near over. Since having the D&C and getting results back, we learned that baby had a chromosomal abnormality. The pregnancy would have never made it to term. I now know I didn’t cause this and it wasn’t my fault, none of them were. I have closure and with that we have made the decision to move onto IVF. We are very excited and hopeful to meet with an excellent fertility specialist in less than two weeks, hoping to start the process before the end of the year. I am crossing my fingers and toes that I will carry a pregnancy to term in 2022. Please know it is not lost on me how fortunate we are to be able to pursue IVF treatments and that we have access to incredible doctors in Southern California. Trust me, I have been counting my blessings everyday.

Please stay tuned for fertility updates, but in the interim I will be at home, smothering my little boy with all the love and kisses as I have never been more grateful for him. To anyone reading this that is struggling with getting pregnant, staying pregnant, grieving the loss of child, adopting, surrogacy, choosing not to start a family or anything in between, know you are not alone. I see you and am thinking of you. If you have suffered loss, know you did absolutely nothing wrong and it’s not your fault, it took me a while to accept that, but it’s the truth.

XO

Christine